10 Books on Relationships You Would Find on This Counselor's Bookshelf

Come Together by Emily Nagoski, PhD

This is the best book when it comes to physical intimacy. Everything written by Emily Nagoski is amazing. The book is inclusive for all sexual orientations, gender identities, abilities, etc. She takes a unique approach to understanding arousal, intimacy, and how to map out getting ourselves and our partners there. She also recently released a workbook that goes with this book that is coming out in October of 2026.

Kaizen for Couples by Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, "The Relationship Help Doctor"

Dr. Shaler has you question everything you thought you SHOULD be doing in a relationship and replacing it with what you actually want/need. She has you question whether you have the "gifts" necessary to give someone in a relationship. She explains the core foundations to a healthy relationship and tools to optimize your relationship, including the "Personal Weather Report," "Kaizen Convercycle," and the six "RelationSteps." This book is useful in a variety of relationships, from ones that are near break-up to ones that are doing well and want to improve or maintain it, relationships where one or more partner has a history of trauma, relationships where one or more partner has not experienced a healthy relationship before, etc.

More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert

This is my favorite book for polyamory and non-monogamous relationships because it beginner friendly, explains things well, gives real examples, and includes common pitfalls. The common pitfalls can be very useful and save you a lot of heartache (or headaches or both). It also includes a portion on being LGBTQ+ too, including the history of both which is interesting.

Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern

Of course I had to include at least one book on attachment theory. I prefer this book to what most others would suggest, Attached by Levine and Keller, because it goes beyond focusing on creating monogamous secure attachments. Fern expands attachment theory to be inclusive of other relationship dynamics/orientations, while maintaining a trauma-informed and healing oriented mindset. She describes the attachment styles in an easy to understand way, but that does not come off as condescending or belittling as some books do. She also explains the basics of consensual nonmonogamy (CNM), including the different types, what she calls "poly secure," and issues that are unique to CNM, which also makes the book a good read for those new to CNM, considering CNM, struggling, or just wanting to learn more. She also provides recommendations on how to become more secure, such as the HEARTS acronym.

The Relationship Cure by John M. Gottman, PhD, and Joan DeClaire

No books on relationship list would be complete without at least one book by Gottman. He is probably the top relationship/marriage expert in the country. I like this book because it focuses on relationships of all types, not just marriages or intimate/romantic/sexual relationships. This book helps with marriages, but also helps with friendships, coworkers, and family relationships. Gottman and DeClaire explain how we connect, bids for connection, our emotional command system, emotional communication skills, shared meaning, and how to utilize these things to improve these relationships.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, PhD, and Nan Silver

In this book, Gottman and Silver explain the Love Lab findings, what makes marriage work, and what is used to predict divorce. They detail the 7 principles and explain the information necessary to understand these principles.

Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection by Julie Schwartz Gottman, PhD and John Gottman, PhD

Drs. Julie and John Gottman teach the five secrets of successful couples, avoid common conflict mistakes, and harness conflict to make your relationship stronger. They explain how we each have different conflict cultures/styles based on how we were raised and past relationships, and go through each type and how they can best work together.

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman

This book is a classic for a reason. Understanding your partner's love language so they can feel loved in the way they receive love is important. You may be expressing love, but if it is not in their love language then they may not be feeling loved. Chapman also wrote a book on apology languages that is similar.

Graphic Sex Compatibility Test by Shirl Solomon

No, not those kinds of graphics. The graphics are a combination of handwriting and line drawings, to make abstract pictures. It is similar to inkblots, and based on similar projective insights. Each partner selects their favorite graphic out of four for each selection option to see if they are compatible in each area. It also gives an individual description based on each selection. While I would not take this as your relationship or intimacy is doomed if your results are incompatible, if you find that many results come up as incompatible AND you agree with the results then you at least have specific areas in which to work on so you can come up with a plan on how to address it. The book can also be used as a fun way to have some new talking points that you may not have thought of otherwise. You can ask your partner why they picked that specific weird squiggly line, do they agree with the description it gave them, do they think yours fits you, what does that look like to them, etc. It also includes ways to turn incompatible to compatible. I think it makes a good date night to go through the book and do it together. Just make sure you are doing it for fun and to make conversation with the book, not every word is literal fact about you or your relationship because you picked that graphic.

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans

This book is great if you are unsure if you are in a healthy, unhealthy, or abusive relationship, or are unsure about a past relationship. While it may not help a current relationship, it needed to be included in this list because it is one of the best to determine if a relationship is healthy or potentially verbally abusive. Evans also has more books in these series. Please make sure you are in a safe place when reading this book. Reading this book in front of a potential abuser could escalate them to become physically abusive. Please be safe and please reach out for counseling if this book resonates with you. You are not alone. If you feel you are in immediate danger please call 911.